t i r z a h ' s b l o g ! !

01/29/2026

when i was a kid, i would constanty write in my diary. i wish i had the thing now, i would archive them, no matter how embarrassing they were. but no, i got rid of my old journals a long time ago. i never seem to keep things that long, not before ive tossed them aside and moved onto something shiny and new. that's always been my weakest point, i think. it wouldnt have mattered if that journal was made of pure gold, i would have thrown it out like the ret of them in a vain search for something newer, something prettier, something more fun.

i'd like to think that i have matured past that childish phase of my life. i, like my peers, have grown into an actual adult, the kind that isnt afraid of holding on to something used rather than tossing it out as soon as it starts to show a little wear and tear. its been years since my things have last been stolen from me. i dont need to constantly replace them with something new, just to have something to fall back on in case its yanked out from under me. its time to relax, isnt it?

but i know thats a lie. its too late. nothing will ever be good enough for me now.

i know its a bit of a morbid thought to start my first diary entry in 2026 off with but hey, i wanted to do a bit of self discovery this year anyways.

self psychology and general introspection aside, i actually had a really nice day today. it was cozy. i woke up at 4am this morning following a rather interesting nightmare that im frankly too embarrassed about to explain (but it was related to the journal thing, hence it being on my mind. hey, do dreams actually mean anything? am i telling myself something?). i raised my windows, put on some music. my dogs crawled in bed with me. and we just laid there. and i cried. you'd expect that to be a bad way to start your day but honestly, i needed it. i felt way better afterwards anyways. it made falling asleep easier, at least. my family woke me up at 7am with breakfast. i ate it right in bed, with my favorite tv show playing on my laptop. and then i was ready to start the day.

it was nothing special. i mostly spent the day cleaning and working on this site. talked to my friends, shot the shit. this evening, i ran some errands and made a much needed stop at the grocery store. i made pasta, which was so filling and comforting. thats kind of been the whole vibe today. comfort. its nice to be comforted.

i have cookies in the oven now. i hope they'll taste delicious! if i remember, ill put up photos of them in my photobook, along with a photo of the pasta :)

mood: content

listening to: youtube

archived blog entries

1/20/24

note from future tirzah lol (1/29/26): this entry and all of the ones below it are random entries i found either from my irl diaries or on old blog posts :)

i ended up leaving work early yesterday because my migraine got so bad that i was crying and throwing up lol... it lasted until 7am this morning, 16 hours straight. i woke up at nine and luckily it was gone! no pain now, just super tired with an achy back from being curled over in fetal position for so long. i hate migraines... i went to the doctor the day before yesterday and she offered to prescribe me medicine for my anxiety. i opted out but now im really thinking that i shouldnt have, especially since my migraines are usually anxiety-based. i have two days off work though which is good because im in desperate need of some r&r. anyways im about to go get cake i might update later. bye.

mood: n/a

listening to: n/a

1/19/24

today sucked. so bad. lol. ive been fading in and out all day, i keep blanking and not remembering anything, my head fucking hurts like i got shot, im stupidly dissociated, and im also hungry but the thought of eating makes me wanna puke. basically been one big greyout. i was talking to s yesterday and everything is confusing and really weird between us right now. idk this intro is literally shit i cant think too hard about this rn my head hurts too much. im glad that like... basically nobody has access to this, it makes me feel a lot better about sharing and letting some of this stuff out

mood: n/a

listening to: n/a

1/18/24

ive been exploring a lot of different aspects of religion lately. its certainly a mix, but theres just so much to discover. it makes me feel oddly giddy. i grew up protestant, specifically southern baptist, and i guess i still am. but im also interested in other denominations and new age spiritialism and that type of stuff. ive even done research into satanism, luciferianism, and paganism. oh also, i cut my hair last night (or maybe the night before last) and gave myself bangs again. i think i like it. my hair is still kinda short and choppy but i think it makes me more feminine lol. thinking about dying my hair again. ill either go blonde or black, cause i dont really have the patience to maintain any other colors. changing the subject here but s has been talking to me a lot lately. hes really fun to talk to but after whst happened,,, i dunno. i dont know if i can forgive him. so ive been taking steps to put a bit more distance between us. i really hope this all pays off because i am going insanneeee. ill probably update this later tonight at work if i can think of it because i have a lotttt more to say.

mood: n/a

listening to: n/a

12/7/23

this morning i woke up feeling kind of weird. i havent left bed yet. i dont feel like dealing with my family at the moment, even though im thirsty and hungry and have to go to the bathroom oops. ive been talking to my friends this morning though, which is fine. i dont know. interacting with literally anybody always feels kind of off. i feel like theyre just talking to me to placate me or something even though i know (hope) that thats probably not true. things are normal though, for the most part. ive been trying to get myself back into a routine but its kind of hard. maybe itll be easier once my other family members move out. they leave on monday, which im excited for. i dont care if its selfish to think that. i feel like a little kid again.

mood: n/a

listening to: n/a